Your monday internet

DOG SEXING WOMAN

DOG SEXING WOMAN

DOG SEXING WOMAN

WHY IS NO DOGS SEXING WOMAN SHOW UP? I TYPE 400 TIMES!

$1000 an hour sounds pretty good, but I just saw an ad for 1 million dollars an hour. Do you guys have medical or any other benefits?

Keep drinking those shakes bottom guy, you’ll get there eventually.

Oh gee, I hope there is an “all of the above” option!

TIGER VERSUS CROC: YOUTUBE COMMENT THROWDOWN

Airtight.

It looked as if it would be a victory for team croc, but then tysoner drops the trump card.

“One time, I even put my balls in a croc’s mouth. It felt like a Jacuzzi jet!”

“WOW have I ever found some GREAT DEALS on croc footwear! Click on my profile to find the link, and check out my SEXY PHOTOS! “

Oh lord, look at this moron. Dinosaurs? Read the bible you idiot, there’s no such thing as dinosaurs *chuckle*

HEIL HITLIGATOR!

theCcretspdstick: His dad will also beat your dad in a fight.

Damn!

IRONIC WEBSITE OF THE DAY

www.mensa.org

Do I even have to say anything?

Osama Bin Laden Weighs in on Global Warming

http://english.aljazeera.net/news/middleeast/2010/01/20101277383676587.html

Oh, this will make some people unhappy. Isn’t it great when a person that basically everyone dislikes decides to support your movement? This is reminiscent of George W. Bush throwing his unsolicited endorsement behind John McCain, or Kanye West calling your video “the best of all time”. It’s like when you’re trying to make a point and the absolute dumbest person that you work with agrees with you. You could be saying something completely worthwhile  and sensible, but then everyone starts to second-guess you because the guy who you’re not sure can read pipes up and gives you his vote of confidence.

But what prompted Osama to speak up about global warming? Could it be that he’s trying to gain political traction from people who might view the United States unfavorably? He recently had to install an air conditioning unit in his cave? He’s dead, and his handlers have stockpiled talking points from 5 years ago and are slowly releasing them? Well, there are a lot of possibilities, but none of them really help the people fighting for climate change awareness. It’s just the mass murdering asshole responsible for the World Trade Center attacks using your movement as another excuse to get people to hate America. While most people who are involved with the Climate Change movement probably do hate America, it’s not like they’re willing to kill people over it. They just want to complain about it to their friends, JEREMY.

I mean, the whole excercise is pointless. Does Bin Laden think that normal people who believe that the earth is heating up will suddenly be like “Oh wow, he’s on our team! Allahu Ackbar!” or that the people who actually do think they are serving Allah by killing infidels are going to give a crap about SCIENCE? That the earth is warming up so polar bears are dying and icecaps thousands of miles away are melting? The people that you convinced were going to get 50 virgins in paradise by flying a plane into a building? Nope. Doesn’t make sense.

Osama Bin Laden is obviously one of the worst possible people that you could have associated with your message, product or service. That said, I think it would be interesting to take a look at some infamous people trying their hand at marketing products. I’ve created a series of horribly MS Paint’d posters that I think help illustrate my point:

Evil American Overlords use ‘Internet’ to attack benevolent Islamic Republic of Iran

Tehran - In an act of desperation, the ever-weakening United States government has come forward with a plan that attempts to undermine the altruistic and infallible Islamic Republic of Iran, albeit one that is destined to fail miserably. Female Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, shamed wife of the notorious philanderer Bill Clinton, said in a press conference that Iran must end internet ‘censorship’, and allow the faithless hordes of pedophiles and anarchists to speak unabated. The response from Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini was swift, ruthless and unwavering; “This decision shows the height of the enemy’s frustration. They have spent tens of billions of dollars in the past (in confronting Iran), but have achieved no results. Besides, if we allow decent, faithful citizens to gaze upon the uncovered body of a woman, Allah will not be very happy. Trust me, he will be pissed.”

The internet is a device that is used to transfer blasphemous pornographic pictures and videos, often those that show women who lack the dignity to even have a single shred of clothing on, much less the Allah-pleasing entirety of their bodies. The effect that these pictures and videos may have on the ordinary citizens of Iran could be disastrous, and as such must be monitored at all times by Minister of Purity, Aashiq Al-Salim who looks at all questionable sites alone in a government office. “It is very important that nobody sees the sites that I must, as a faithful servant of Allah and the State, visit on a daily basis,” said Al-Salim, “and that is why all of the windows in my office have been painted black, and the door is locked with reinforced steel. It is imperative that nobody is able to see inside or disturb me in any way.”

Iran protects it’s citizens from over 1 million morally corrupt websites, including ones that promote Satanic homosexual relationships, those that blasphemously suggest that Allah might not even exist, as well as those that support the heretical protestors who are attempting to overthrow his holiness, the Supreme Leader; all of which were created by the American Government to topple the Islamic Republic of Iran. America also created that internet toolbar that sticks below the browser address bar that you can’t get rid of and the popup ads that say you are the 999,999th visitor and you win a prize. It is not known at this time whether these were designed to cause the collapse of Iran, though it is suspected.

Signs that a business has been around since before the internet

Brown/Coakley Massachusetts fracas polarizes media. Results? Hilarious

The Massachusetts Senate elections have been at the forefront of American consciousness over the past two and a half weeks, in no small part due to the fact that a bedrock Democrat stronghold is under attack by (shock!) a Republican candidate. As voters stream into the booths today, it’s important to recognize that the seat that is up for grabs has been held by Democrat legend Ted Kennedy for the better part of half a century, which makes it ever more quixotic that fresh-faced Republican upstart Scott Brown is even in the conversation with former attorney general Martha Coakley, the Democratic candidate for the position.

Oddly enough, the state that overwhelmingly voted for Barack Obama in the last Presidential election has started to have some grave doubts seep in, especially regarding the new healthcare bill that is working it’s way through congress. The reason that this election has become such a hot topic is that the seat formerly held by Ted Kennedy represents the 60th of 100 seats needed for a filibuster-proof  Democrat Senate. If that seat happens to go to a Republican, the Democrats will no longer have a filibuster-proof Senate, and the healthcare legislation that the Democrats so badly want to pass will be tied up, possibly to the point of failure. As a result, most of the mainstream media has been going absolutely bananas with coverage, and the resulting ads, news reports, opinion pieces and parodies have been pretty incredible. Here’s a bit of a taste:

He’d “cheat to keep these bastards out”. He would.

If Brown is elected it will be THE END OF CHANGE AS WE KNOW IT!

While this may seem like your normal, run-of-the-mill attack ad (albeit one that misspells “Massachusetts”), check out this brilliant parody:

Scott Brown wants rape victims turned away from hospitals (fast forward to 1:18 for the insane ad picture)

And because the election is just so gosh darn important, here’s Barack Obama going to bat for Coakley:

And to cap it off, here’s Jon Stewart’s take on the whole thing, which is gut-bustingly hilarious:

Surveilling the Toronto Comedy Landscape: Chapter One

This is going to be the start of an ongoing Comedy Landfill blog series, which will focus on the comedy happenings around Toronto, Ontario, of which there are quite a few. For my first stop, I visited to the historic Yuk-Yuks comedy club on Richmond, which was featuring a Humber College comedy night, where I decided to do a little “reporting”. Humber College is a Toronto-based school which has a program that teaches aspiring comedians the craft of comedy. Part of the program involves the students doing stand-up comedy, in this case, in front of a large group of drunken ingrates. Observing younger and less experienced comedians really gives you a perspective as to how people not only develop their material, but also their stage persona, timing and interaction with the crowd. I was interested not only in getting a good laugh out of the experience, but learning something, and finding some interesting Toronto comedy prospects.

It being 6:00 and the comedy show starting at 7:30, I thought that it would be a good idea to slip into a local pub to grab a refreshment before watching the show. I sat down at the bar, and struck up a spontaneous conversation with the guy sitting next to me; a really genuinely nice person named Shane. In any case, the conversation and frosty beverages must have distracted me, because I was late for the show! I got in right at the end of Daniel Martinello’s set (the opener), which from what I heard had some pretty raunchy subject matter, dealing with rape, videogames and pornography. What impressed me from what I saw was that the act was infused with a lot of energy both vocally and physically, which garnered some laughs from the audience.

Next up was newcomer Paul Boychuk, who looked a little awestruck, but at the same time, came off as very likable and smart. His jokes centered around videogames, including World of Warcraft, the hazards of getting drunk, as well as dating and a sprinkling of crowd interaction mixed in. Paul’s best joke involved his best friend hiding “piss bottles” under his desk due to his World of Warcraft addiction, and that got a big laugh out of the crowd. The next two acts weren’t great, and that’s probably because the comics were a little inexperienced — most likely testing out new material, not knowing exactly what makes a crowd laugh, the delivery being raw, etc. — just generally things you would expect from newer comedians.

Paul Boychuk

The person who came up after those two was probably the best comedian up until that point, Nicole Callender. You got the sense that this wasn’t her first time on the stage, as her manner was confident and sarcastic and her delivery was tight. The topics ranged from Harry Potter to Jaws to Michael Buble to tampons, and she had a good riff on her mixed Guyanese/White heritage. The jokes were clever, and they worked, getting multiple laughs from the audience. Her delivery was certainly one of her best attributes — she turned a few jokes that may not have worked out that well into winners through sheer force of will.

After Nicole’s act, things hit a bit of a lull. The next acts were hit and miss, again, mostly due to inexperience (I’m guessing). Things picked up again when Justin Lake took the stage. He did some lengthy crowd interaction, where he displayed some pretty spot-on ad lib skills, and then mixed it with some jokes he was comfortable telling. It was interesting that the second half of his act was a single joke about a man holding the door for him, and he managed to pack it with multiple laughs, helped out greatly by some silly physical comedy. The next act was possibly the funniest guy of the evening, who took the stage, piece of paper in hand, and read off some existential and extremely clever jokes that cracked up everyone in the audience. Kirk Jorgenson was the guy’s name, and it reflected his act very well: strange, offbeat, and incredibly awesome. Kirk operated with a calm deadpan, telling the jokes in a way that echoed Todd Barry, just relaxed, and let the jokes do the work for him.

It was at this point, after a few too many alcoholic beverages, I decided that it was time to relieve myself, as well hit the open air for for a perfunctory cigarette. I apologize to Charlotte Klein, because I missed your act! I’m sure it was great. I returned just in time to catch the beginning of Geoff May’s routine. Geoff began by introducing himself, as well as the three other people who were apparently going to join him, Smeagol from lord of the rings, Jerry Lewis and Seth Rogen. All of these imitations were well executed, with Smeagol and Seth Rogan being the standouts, and the jokes told in character were pretty decent as well. Jeff even did the first two imitations (Smeagol, Jerry Lewis) AS Seth Rogen, which was a little dash of clever that I haven’t seen before. Following Jeff May was Georgia Toews, who performed a solid, funny, if unmemorable set. She did a few jokes about the recent airport scanner controversy, nightclubs and the type of women you meet in them.

Jeff Mandelssohn

On next was Evan Richardson, who delivered a knockout, frantic performance about porn, “fucking” and other lewd material, yet imbued with a sort of self-deprecating neuroticism. The delivery was fun, raving messiness that that the crowd gobbled up, in no small part because of Evan’s adroit observational humour. Definitely in consideration for best comedian of the night. James Kersley came up next, and it became apparent quickly that he has been doing standup for a while. Dressed in a green hoodie with a slight scruff on his face, his routine was ironically very professional (I suppose that is how professional comedians dress these days), and his jokes were well rehearsed, funny and came out naturally. To use a basketball analogy, he swished pretty much every joke he told, and to use a petting farm analogy, he had the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand. His subjects were porn (surprise!), Carmen Sandiego, the incredible application of french words, and a sprinkling some crowd interaction to boot.

Steve Patrick Adams and Bobby Caneuf, the second and third to last performers were both very funny, and continued where James Kersley left off. It was at this point that I assumed that these comedians were no longer fresh-faced students of the art of comedy, but probably recent graduates of the program, who had been around the block a few times. I think the idea was to start off with some of the newer comedians, and then gradually start incorporating the more experienced ones as the night went on. It’s an interesting strategy, and it worked pretty well until the closing act, Marco Bernardi. Marco seemed like an extremely nice guy, and was really likable on stage, but unfortunately, the material wasn’t there. His routine mostly involved being gay, which, like anything, can work when you have the jokes, as one of the open mic comedians showed later on in the evening. In his favour, I think quite a few of the jokes could have been funnier than they were if they were polished up a bit, but his act did not work as well as one would have hoped.

In all, I loved the Humber/Yuk-Yuk’s comedy revue, and it certainly exceeded my expectations. Watching these young, inexperienced comedians get onto a stage in a room filled with roughly one hundred people was like watching a tightrope act where not everyone makes it across alive, or the hatching of tiny leatherback turtles, attempting to waddle their way to the ocean without being gobbled up by a seagull. In many senses, the show was a great success. There were a lot of funny acts, and the audience were treated to a humorous, if uneven show.

My pick for Comedian of the Night: I have to go with Kirk Jorgenson. I’m not sure if it’s frowned upon by other comedians to bring a “cheat sheet” up on stage, but when your jokes are as good as Kirk’s were, I don’t really care all that much. His best joke: “They need to change the name of wife beaters. That, or they need to change the name of other garments to things that are just as socially unacceptable.” Brilliant.

Wind Power?

I’m sure we all know someone (or are someone) who thinks that alternative energy is going to save the planet from becoming a sauna. In a lot of cases, alternative energy either looks promising, or actually does something. But let me let you in on a little secret: wind power is absolute garbage. First of all, wind power is as reliable as your dropout friend who sits on his couch smoking weed all day. Wind turbines don’t make any energy when it gets cold out, they usually operate at 10% capacity due to there being not enough wind, when there is too MUCH wind, they shut down, and they cost an assload of money to make and maintain.

Also, if you are old, don’t live next to them, as it apparently creates a great deal of complaining:

A lot of people who are proponents of wind power are against things like nuclear energy. Why? Mostly because of nuclear waste. Nuclear waste, they say, is always just on the cusp of seeping into the environment and killing thousands of cute and fuzzy animals, and less importantly, humans. The fact is is that these people have no idea what they are talking about. After nuclear material is used, it is stored away in a concrete container, and buried in a very deep hole in the middle of nowhere. Of course you will hear people say “But what if something happens in the hole!” Nothing is going to happen in the hole. Calm the hell down. And if the waste gets out? Well, it’s in the middle of nowhere, so who gives a rat’s ass? Meanwhile, there are no carbon emissions, meaning the air is cleaner, and it makes an enormous amount of power. Yay actual green energy!

The thing about wind power that is so appealing to some people is that it just sounds so pretty and just so gosh darn green. Nothing screams “environmentally conscious” like something that uses the natural power of the earth to generate electricity. It’s like when you connected all of those lemons together in second grade and dimly powered that lightbulb. Wow! Why can’t the world work that way? The gumdrops and lollipops way that people who don’t understand how the world actually works want it to?

As much as I think that wind power sucks, one of the dumbest counter-arguments to wind power is that birds will fly into them. BIRDS FLY INTO ANYTHING. Anything. Buildings, Fabio’s forehead, Randy Johnson’s fastball, cars, basically anything that makes our lives better, they fly into and die.

Mammoth Erection Building Company

TEST YOUR MIGHT!

Please stop making the “People finishing other people’s sentences” commercials

I’m sure you’ve seen the ads. The ones where people are talking about how their company is really “changing things”, where people take turns finishing each other’s sentences as the camera cuts from one face to the next.  Throw in maybe a couple of shots of the planet earth, or a small child opening their hands to reveal a flower, or some charts, and you get the modern scourge of television advertisements. This has got to be the WORST commercial formula out there right now. Why? Because there is nothing in real life more irritating than someone finishing someone else’s sentence, and these commercials do that about 15 times.

Example that I’ve created that represents basically every single one of these commercials:
Woman1: I want my car to represent…
Man1: The way that I live…
Man2: Not just the way people expect…
Woman2: Me to be.
Man1: I want a company…
Video of the Earth from space.
Woman2: That cares about the environment…
Man3: And minorities…
Woman1: And alternate fuel sources…
Man2: And poor people…
Man1: And that’s why I’ve chosen GM.
Woman3: Chosen GM.
Man4: Chosen GM.
Man3: Not just for me…
Woman2: But my children too.

Here are some examples:

These are usually “We Care” commercials, where it’s best if multiple people tell you about the wonderful things company X is doing so that you will identify with at least one of them, and this is done by presenting things in a “Token Trio” format. The problem is that these people are on the screen for like 1 second, and you have virtually no time to identify with actors pretending to be incredibly impressed with the company’s new initiative (usually just some buzzword and an advertising campaign, rather than actually changing anything).

I’m not against advertisement in general, in fact, there are a lot of clever, to-the-point and effective commercials that get people excited about products or services. The problem here is that these commercials are not only overdone, they are ineffective. There’s nothing like a bland melange of different faces telling me about something, and in some cases inexplicably repeating the same thing that the previous person has said. On top of that, the message gets lost because there are so many damn people talking. It’s very difficult to follow the line of thought when it goes from shrill child to deep voiced man, to person with a thick accent.

I think that the sun has set on this commercial format, and it’s time for the ad agency think-tanks to get back to the drawing board.