The 2009-2010 NBA Season in Review

Hello readers, I’m from the future, and I have some urgent information about how your favourite teams are going to perform this year. I know that most of you are begging to learn more about the Grizzlies, the Knicks, the Warriors, the Clippers, the Bucks, and the Grizzlies, and are genuinely concerned that they might not be able to make the playoffs. WELL, TAKE HEED FAIR IDIOTS! GAZE UPON THE STARK PROGNOSTICATIONS I HAVE PROVIDED AND DESPAIR! Your favourite teams are going to SUCK and nobody will feel pity on you. They will be smashed like a child’s macrame project at the hands of Brock Lesnar.

New York Knicks

The Knicks, for the second straight season, attempted to put Mike D’Antoni’s Seven Seconds or Less (SSoL) offense, and Do Not Attempt to Contest Shots (DNACS) defense into practice. D’Antoni favourite Al Harrington is a firm believer in the philosophy; “I’ve never played a lick of defense my whole career, and you don’t have to tell me to shoot a heavily contested three early in the shot clock, I just do that regardless.” Harrington said enthusiastically, “SSoL is such a great idea, because it reduces the amount of time you have to wait before you get to shoot another three.” Mike D’Antoni was also impressed with Wilson Chandler, remarking that it was like having two Al Harringtons on the court at the same time, though he also added that Chandler needed to lessen his defensive commitment and leak out more on the break. D’Antoni’s sour demeanor and constant complaining to the refs struck a chord with the people of New York. “Watching Mike on the sidelines reminded me of when I ordered a mochaccino from Starbucks yesterday, and they forgot to froth my cream. Cranky screaming, a face like he just took a dump in his pants, wild emotional hand gestures? It’s like the guy’s stealing my routine!” A local New York woman sneered. “He’s still a fucking idiot.” She added.

Golden State Warriors

Golden State succeeded at beating their own record of playing the most minutes in one season with a lineup that doesn’t make any sense. Anthony Morrow had a recurring nightmare where he was playing center and point guard at the same time, and as a result spent an inordinate amount of time pinching himself when he was on the court. Don Nelson changed the team’s mascot to a pink elephant, and spent half of every game demanding that it return his collection of stretched out turtlenecks. Stephen Jackson finally got his wish and was traded, but was shocked to find out that he had been traded to the Albuquerue Thunderbirds for James Wright, Antoine Agudio and an autographed Yuta Tabuse jersey. Jackson reacted by driving his Cadillac Escalade into a Target, strangling a hooker, and kicking a dog in the face. His former teammates were impressed at his level of restraint. Halfway through the season, it was discovered that Stephen Curry is actually 14, and thus was unable to continue playing power forward for the Warriors.

LA Clippers

In a strange turn of events, the LA Clippers’ team bus drove into wormhole that transported them into a dimension where they did not suck at basketball. Baron Davis saw a strange version of himself that was able to shoot the three point shot at over a 35% clip. Parallel-universe Ricky Davis completed a legitimate triple double, and Regular Ricky Davis found out that in this other dimension, he was actually credited for his triple double attempt against the Jazz all those years ago. “Finally”, he whispered to himself as his eyes welled up. Bizarro Mike Dunleavy was wearing an excellent suit, had a full head of hair and drew up a play out of a time out that worked perfectly. Real Dunleavy did not notice at all, as he was haggling with a food vendor because chocolate Ho-Hos cost 50 cents more in this dimension. The Clippers were inspired by their alter-egos and boarded the Clipper bus back to reality. Blake Griffin and Eric Gordon were immediately crushed by a falling piano upon disembarking the vehicle.

Milwaukee Bucks

Milwaukee Bucks General Manager John Hammond completed his vision for the Bucks by trading Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut for a 1973 beige VW Van with its doors rusted shut. NBA fans and other onlookers were confused and bewildered as to whether that was actually possible, but as Larry Coon would point out, a strange and often overlooked CBA rule allows players to be traded for inanimate objects, after Donald Sterling controversially traded Tom Chambers for a shoe in 1983. Hammond justified the trade by saying “Beige VW Van is going to add a whole new dynamic to this team. I’ve personally contacted Beige VW Van’s agent, and he assures me that Beige VW Van’s engine is in perfect working order, and that the tires are all-season.” Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut are currently doing backbreaking manual labour for a man named Craig in Iowa.

Memphis Grizzlies

Things started out poorly for the Memphis Grizzlies, and after Allen Iverson re-entered the lineup from injury, things immediately went from bad, to possibly the worst situation of all time. A new term was coined for an unbelievably catastrophic disaster, after a roadside cleanup crew called a 72-car pile-up a “a real Memphis Grizzly of a situation”. Zach Randolph and Rudy Gay combined for an NBA record 40 three point shots in one game, and made 4 of them. Asked to comment, Zach Randolph instead lamented that his coach did not allow him to shoot three point shots at his own basket. “It’s so open!” He remarked. Memphis becomes the first team to ever require that both of its stadium’s rims be replaced halfway through the season due to unrelenting low percentage chucking. “I’ve never seen anything like it before.” Said a local scientist Steve Butt. “The physical property of a basketball should not be able to inflict this sort of damage on steel. It’s as if someone were throwing masonry at it.” Continued Butt before rolling up his driver’s side window and doing a sweet-ass burnout. At one point during the season, Hasheem Thabeet accidentally missed the team bus to Minnesota because he was playing Wii sports. Nobody on the Grizzlies noticed until halfway through the second quarter when Allen Iverson asked where “the gigantic dark dude who brings me my water” went.

Glenn and Al — Bark twice for liberty

Click for larger/better quality image:

Global Warming: This is why I’m hot

Glenn and Al – Mistaken Identity

Glenn and Al #1

Everyone’s favourite former Vice President, and everyone’s favourite Fox News television personality put their wacky friendship on display for everyone to see.

MADD educational drunk driving videogame backfires horribly

 

 
A day that Mothers Against Drunk Driving spokespeople hoped would be a valuable day of learning for the students of Kayawatha Junior High School has turned into a public relations nightmare. MADD had recently hired local videogame company Verysoft to produce a videogame that shows the effects of drinking alcohol on driving. In an open house presentation, MADD spokesperson Terry Wilkinson introduced the game and gave a half hour lecture about the effects of drunk diving. Afterwards, the game consoles were opened up to the students to try out for themselves. To say that things didn’t go according to plan would be an understatement.

“Well, the idea behind the game was to introduce kids to the dangers of drinking and driving through a medium that they will pay attention to, and enjoy.” Wilkinson explained, “Well, let’s just say that they were having a little too much fun during the part of the game where the driver was drunk.”

“This game is the BEST!” Bubbled 7th grader Jamal White, “The game was boring as hell when you were just driving around normally, but when Drink and Drive Dave starts drinking, the special effects are wicked! You start going a lot faster and there are all these cool light tracer effects, and the music gets waaaaay louder. Whenever you hit X, Dave pounds another shot of whiskey and things get even more awesomer. It’s also a lot easier to crash, which is sweet!”

The game was designed to be as realistic as possible, allowing players to choose what type of alcohol Dave ingests while driving the vehicle. Beer creates groggy response times and inability to keep your eyes on the road, whiskey increases anger and speed, while tequila creates blackouts lasting up to 30 seconds.

MADD staff noticed too late how the fun-level increased during the drunk driving segment of the game. The students signaled their enjoyment with whooping, high-fiving and a general air of excitement. After the game session was completed, Mr. Wilkinson stood in front of the auditorium and gave a grave speech focusing on the realities of drunk driving that everyone seemed to ignore.

“Drunk driving seems awesome,” said one Tiffany Lainstone, “I can’t wait until I’m sixteen!”

Most students shared her enthusiasm. “I drove into a gas station and everything exploded. I didn’t even think of doing that, I just sort of lost control and it happened. That’s badass!” Echoed Timothy Tremblay. “Videogames teach me what is and isn’t acceptable in the real world!”

New Article On Vittorio De Zen’s Fast Break

I just wanted to inform you that I just wrote a new (basketball) article on Vittorio De Zen’s Fast Break blog. Here’s a link!

http://vittoriodezen.wordpress.com/2009/08/17/a-closer-look-ts-and-the-toronto-raptors/

My Trip to Algonquin (or why you shouldn’t hike through a swamp while intoxicated)

First of all, let me start by saying that my trip to Algonquin was fantastic, I had a fun time in the great outdoors, and it reminded me not only of my adolescence and late teens working at a wilderness camp, but also that nature is a thing of beauty and should be treasured. That and it didn’t rain. The canoeing, swimming, eating food that you made with your own goddamn hands, hell, even the portaging was fantastic. I don’t mean to brag, but I carry a mean canoe! My girlfriend and I were joined by 2 other incredibly awesome couples, as well as two singles, a guy and a girl.

I’d like to say that I am not a heavy drinker. I rarely go to bars, and when I do, it’s usually followed by an immense hangover. So when we decided on the third day of our vacation to go out and explore God’s wondrous beauty via a hiking expedition, all of the guys decided that it would be a great idea to get all hooched up, before and during the excursion (also afterward, if anyone cares). What transpired was a feat for the ages: a quest so valiant and treacherous, it would be written, sung and and whispered about for generations to come. We got lost in a fucking swamp.

 The first hour was one of jubilation, it was just the guys (4 of us) and a dog named Moogle, which is a beagle/pug hybrid. Stories were flung around, we trekked along the beaten path sipping on a combination of Canadian Club rye whiskey and Canadian Cool Shots (a small can of 6% beer). We sat down at a crossroad on the path, and got our bearings, while talking about Grey Owl, the famous faux-native american. Who should come along that path but a man with knee high socks and shin-pads, a red windbreaker and two fucking ski poles. This man, who shall henceforth be known as “Manhunter”, was a talkative man in his 50s who was confronted by a barking Moogle who ran up to him on the path. Manhunter did not like this. He was very tentative and frightened by a dog that could not weigh more than 30 frickin’ pounds. He proceeded to bore us with a story about being from a town near Newmarket (a city in Ontario) and how he had heard of Algonquin, but never been there until right now. He mentioned that he was just on the path that we were planning on taking, and after taking a quick glance at the map, asked whether or not he ran into any swamps (as there were a few swamps on the map). “Oh no. No swamps that way.” THANKS A FUCKING LOT MANHUNTER!

Manhunter earned his nickname because I thought it would be funny if this guy was tracking us with his ski poles, planning on killing us. Thinking about a guy running through the forest with two ski poles, a red windbreaker and blood all over his mouth made us all giggle a little bit. We joked about creating a movie trailer with him as the primary villain. Running through the forest ski poles in hand, stopping for a second to listen for his prey. The victims stopped on the path looking into the forest and seeing a brief glimpse of the red windbreaker as he runs deep in the forest. Maybe appearing behind a frightened camper and whispering something like “I told you to keep your fucking DOG on a LEASH!” Before impaling him with a ski pole.

Speaking of Moogle, we discovered on the trip that he had a laceration on his balls. As a guy, you sort of have to shudder thinking about that sort of thing, but Moogle didn’t even seem to give a damn. I sort of admired Moogle, because he is such a small dog, and we were hiking for what must have been 6 hours. His never-say quit attitude meant that he completely ignored that there was a massive cut on his tiny little puggle balls. We put a bandaid on his balls which he absolutely did not want on there, so it came off in a matter of minutes.

Anyway, we continued on our journey down the designated paths, reaching a small lake, which the path lead us around. Then, for whatever reason, one of us decided that it would be faster if we just cut through a certain section of the forest. That idea lead us to an uncrossable mire. Undeterred, and now thoroughly drunk, we decided that, no, we weren’t getting back on the path, we were merely going to take a different route around the swamp. While we were not on the official Algonquin Park path, there was still a trail leading along the side of the bog, meaning that this voyage was actually undertaken by OTHER poor people before US. As we walked deeper and deeper into the bush, away from the trail, the more foliage we had to fight through. Many of our original directions into the forest would lead us to yet another unpassable bog, which we would have to double back around. I began to think to myself “Why in God’s name was there a trail leading to THIS?” I have a hypothesis now, after thinking about it for a while; that path was created by a force that I refer to as “Do it pussy”. “Do it pussy” is a phenomenon among men, where you do really idiotic stuff like hiking into a bog, because turning back means you were wrong. We didn’t really talk about turning around and going back, because this “DiP” mindset is so deeply rooted in the male psyche, that to even mention it was to challenge your own manhood.

On we went, into the forest, trying to cut back across to get to the path that we wanted to get on, using the sun as a guide. After about a half an hour of fighting our way through the foliage, we got to the point of no return. In front of us was a swamp. It was a swamp that had a series of interconnected mossy logs that you could walk over… Carefully. We hiked in that bog for an hour and a fucking half. A few times, we had thought that we had finally made it out of the mire, only to be back. In. The. Bog. God it sucked. This paragraph is relatively short for the thing that this story had been leading up to, but other than it sucking, and randomly stepping into sinkholes and getting your shoes soaked in swamp juice, there’s not much else to say other than it was mega lame, and it took a long fucking time to get through.

Anyway, we made it out of the bog about at exactly the same time the alcohol ran out, and we returned to the campsite absolutely beat. Apparently the girls had been swimming naked all day and eating. Hooray! I’m SO GLAD that I went HIKING through a SWAMP all day! HOW FANTASTIC! I immediately requested a back rub and passed out in the tent. Like a fuckin’ champ!

“Recycling is retarded”, laments worn-out husband

Two working parents, two adorable children, a house with a picket fence in a nice neighborhood; the Johnson’s residence seems like a normal middle class household. But appearances can be deceiving. Howard Johnson, patriarch of the Johnson family, works for a advertisement agency in the downtown core. He likes his coffee black, his steaks rare, and his automobiles flashy and impractical. Sandra Johnson, unlike her husband, is a realtor with a heart of green, who has been involved with many different environmental charities and projects. Their peaceful existence has recently been shaken by a dispute over an unlikely object: the recycling box. It’s a clash of current-day ideologies, and under the surface, a battle as ancient as man and woman co-existing.

“Time to take out the recycling, Howie!” Chimed Sandra over the hum of easy-rock radio.

“Don’t you mean the trash?” Howard half-jokingly replied from inside his leather-strewn den.

A grimace spread across Sandra’s face as she paused from cleaning the dining room table. “Har har har, Howard. Please take out the recycling.”

“It all ends up in the same goddamn place anyway.” He muttered as he pulled himself to his feet.

“I heard that!” She shot back.

What transpired was an argument that has been taking place with disturbing frequency in the Johnson household. “Oh it’s all that stupid green nonsense.” Mr. Johnson sighed candidly in a private interview, “Recycling is just busy-work that makes people think they’re making a difference. I go to those conferences she attends, and if they’re right, global warming is going to kill us all before recycling will make a difference anyhow. It all strikes me as a tad retarded.”

Sandra’s take on matters were quite different, however. “That man has absolutely no respect for the environment.” She fumed, “It’s almost as if he lives fifty years ago. His idea of being environmentally conscious is driving with the windows down. I’ve almost had it. If he insults the environment one more time, we’re going to couples therapy again. If there’s one thing he hates more than recycling it’s doctor Chow.”

The dispute’s effect on the children seems to have been ignored by both parties. “Mommy and Daddy have lots of fights. Mommy wants Daddy to recyclate.” Says little Stevie Johnson. “Daddy told Mommy to eat a bag of dicks. Mister, what does that mean?” I explained to Stevie what his father had meant using a series of flowcharts and hand gestures, and after he was finished crying, I gave him a lollipop and sent him on his way.

The Johnson family’s troubles are being duplicated all over the world. One environmentally conscious spouse having to deal with the other who is not and vice versa. But what is the solution? Doctor Craig Calhoon, relationship therapist may have the solution. “Well, it’s a really complex issue, so it’s different for virtually every case, but for the most part, I advise treating it with medication. I have pills for basically anything. If your spouse is crazy, I have pills for YOU. I have stuff where you won’t even understand what’s going on or even care that you don’t understand, but that’s in my van out back. Wait a second, what was the question again?”

Hilarious “Obama Deception” video claims NWO invented Global Warming to control us

Yes, you read the title correctly, a hilarious group of wingnuts has created a video about Barack Obama, and used his popularity as a platform to spout off a bunch of the usual NWO-fearing rhetoric: a shadowy group of villainous bankers and elite are secretly controlling us, all of the elections around the world are rigged, and my personal favourite, and something I hadn’t heard said seriously before, that the NWO invented global warming, got all of the scientists to go along with it so that they can tax us more. Interesting!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAaQNACwaLw

Yes, it’s massive. Yes, it’s cobbled together using heavily edited sound bites and dubious interviews. Yes, you literally need to be wearing a tinfoil hat in order to guard against secret messages the government sends through the air to brainwash you.

Highlights:

-00:02:30 KRS One, a famous 80s/90s Hip Hop MC from New York gives a rambling, absurd diatribe about Burger King and the “Architecture of Government” and how Obama is a puppet. Wheeeeeee! What a fun little rant. This is followed by a not as fun speech from famous crazy person/wrestler/former Governer of Minnesota, Jesse “The Body” Ventura comparing politics to wrestling, where everyone is friends when they are not on the campaign trail. Oh no! I was operating under the assumption that they had to be held apart from each other with cages when they went to restoraunts and social gatherings. I am truly shocked and appalled at the level of goodwill between politicians of different parties!

-01:25:30 Oh wow! Right off the bat, we have a guy who is saying that not only is global warming a hoax, it’s also has something to do with the Nazis! Holy Godwin’s Law batman! Oh my god if you implement cap and trade, and believe in global warming, billions of people will die and there will be genocides on a massive scale and the entire fabric of human society will fall apart! That’s f__king retarded, and I don’t even like carbon tax or cap and trade! Incredible quote alert! Incredible quote alert! “You don’t need a climatologist to know that this stuff is a fraud, I’m a historian.” – Webster Tarpley. Thanks Webby. As a history major, I know how reliable medieval history is. It’s fraught with inaccuracies, and anything that was written at that point has to be taken with a grain of salt. Numbers, situations and descriptions of events are often woefully inaccurate and prone to exaggeration.  Unless of course, you cross check your work with, oh, I don’t know, a historical climatologist, right? Someone that can help you sift through the misleading data, and fit the description of events to a model that actually makes sense.

Basically this whole thing is a big, steaming pile of claptrap that should not be watched. Save yourself the time. It’s a shame that some people have fallen under the spell of these horrible videos.

Digg: http://digg.com/comedy/Hilarious_Obama_Deception_video