Don’t buy this shit: Holiday garbage to avoid

These goggles really help to accentuate your 9 o’clock shadow “look”, and the helmet-based attachable camera helps keep your hands free when you are filming important gay pornography scenes.

Yellow tinted glass. Non-prescription lenses. Helps you stare at a computer screen for up to 37 hours. Wear these as a target for your face so people will know where to punch.

These gloves are a crime against humanity. Buy these gloves if you feel like touching something small and sensitive while you’re outside. Buy these gloves if you want to go to hell when you die.

See those real books there? Behind that 300 dollar fake book in your hands? Sit in your chair properly, you’re going to blow your back out.

Take this on a plane. It’s good for opening peanut bags and showing off to other passengers.

This is a sophisticated social-life suicide machine. Show this off to friends that you never want to talk to again.

They should put you on the sex offender registry automatically if you buy this and you’re over the age of 25.

Indoctrinate your children into the evolution LIE even earlier.

Wow, it’s flexible, and you can hit it with a shoe! Haven’t you always fantasized about hitting your computer with a shoe and contorting the screen? Well, I guess not all of us use Windows! Ohohohohoho. Windows joke!

Local socialist let down by Obama administration

Local man Jeff Tinsdale seemingly had done his part this past election. He was busy raising interest in the Obama Presidential campaign by handing out fliers, going door to door canvassing, and even setting up an info booth in the West Side Mall with educational pamphlets about the Obama’s election bid. However, even after countless hours spent devoting his otherwise work-free life to promoting Barack Obama, Mr. Tinsdale has become rather disenchanted with the Obama administration for not living up to what he believed him to be before he took office.

“I saw those Joker posters, and heard from guys like Hannity and Glenn Beck that Obama was socialist. I was pretty optimistic.” Said Tinsdale, “I thought that if Obama was elected, the United States would transform into a socialist utopia where everything would be free and rich people would be forced to wear special patches on their clothing so we could identify them. I’m still waiting Mr. Obama!”

Other socialist websites are in agreement with Mr. Tinsdale. “It’s a natural and understandable place to find ourselves.  But when we get discouraged by our President’s failure to meet our expectations, and we’ve decided we can’t really alter our expectations, we must do something to shift the focus so that we can maintain our activist energy.” Says “Leftcandid” of Dailykos.com, “And the best thing to do is refocus on the problem, which is not Obama, but those who have more or less deliberately done their best to wreck this nation. Go fucking get them.  Beat the drums of war and do not let up on the Republicorporate class.”

This trend seems to be continuing among the far-left websites and individuals who are under the impression that Barack Obama would cater to their extreme demands and way-out-there philosophies. “Obama has been facing a backlash among some of the more extreme elements of the left wing, because he isn’t doing the batshit crazy stuff they think he should be doing,” said political analyst Brian Vera. “He’s running a pretty moderate ship, and the hardcore left are reacting like a teen whose girlfriend decided not to go through with the suicide pact. They’re not taking it very well at all.”

How to kill and irritate your Modern Warfare 2 teammates for fun and profit!

You have spawned as one of the terrorists or the Russians on one of the maps in Modern Warfare 2, and you, as a patriotic American man, with two brass, unyielding testicles swinging confidently between your legs, are not going to put up with that garbage. Being a terrorist or a Russian soldier bent on killing American civilians is just not the way shit is going to go down with you. You’ve turned double agent and decided to make those dirty bastards pay. Or maybe you aren’t American and you just want to have a laugh and kill your allies.

Hardcore (NON-RICOCHET) mode in Modern Warfare 2 is the only way you can you can properly exact your vengeance on the unsuspecting members of your own team. Unfortunately, Infinity Ward has taken all of the fun out of teamkilling via shooting a rocket at the ground in Hardcore Search and Destroy (like in CoD4), which would kill virtually your entire team at the beginning of the game. With the release of Modern Warfare 2, they have instituted a “ricochet” rule on Hardcore Search and Destroy, which means that any damage you deal to your teammates is instead visited upon you. Here are some tips on how to effectively annoy, harass, and teamkill your supposed “teammates”, in lieu of this egregious mistake by Infinity Ward.

Pocket Rocket:

The best way of punishing your terrorist scum teammates is by using the Call of Duty 4 favorite, the RPG-7. Put the “Danger Close” perk on for extra damage to your soon-to-be-pissed-off teammates and get to business. The trick is to find two teammates that are camping together (which you can do easily using the map) and fire your RPG-7 directly at their feet. BLAM! 3 people including yourself are now down for the count, and you get to sit back and listen to some serious whining and screaming. One of the best parts about this is that unlike in CoD4, teamkills now count as deaths. That means that with every rocket you fire into your teammates, the worse their kill to death ratio becomes; and trust me people are fucking insane about their kill to death ratios (thus the copious amounts of camping that goes on in each game). For maximum effect, crouch directly in front of your camping teammate and then pull out your RPG before firing it into the ground.

EXTRA TIP: Like in Hardcore Search and Destroy was in COD4, you begin the round of any hardcore team deathmatch in much the same way; in a big clump, all racing towards their camping spots. Use this to your advantage and pull out your RPG-7, and fire that sucker into the ground for 4 or 5 teamkills right off the bat to let people know what they’re in for.

The question is, how do you respond to their taunts, namecalling and general fury? Here are some suggestions:

-I heard underground helicopters!
-Isn’t that how you rocket jump? My friend says that’s how you rocket jump, and I’m going to keep trying until I get it right.
-Hi there, I’m just letting you know that physical activity is important, and you can’t just sit in front of your TV and play videogames all day long. I hope I’m helping you to make the healthy decision to go outside for a bit!

ALLAHU ACKBAR!

The point of this trick is to cook a grenade until it explodes while you are standing next to a teammate, hopefully several. That seems a little mundane, but while you are doing that, you are also screaming “ALLAHU ACKBAR!” and “AIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIA!!!” out at the top of your lungs to demonstrate total devotion to your deity. Alternate between blowing yourself up with a grenade and going to the cockpit of the plane in Terminal and asking why you can’t crash it into the building.

Flashbangs/Stun Grenades + Scavenger:

While this isn’t exactly teamkilling, it does fall under the category of team harassment, and is thus fair game for this article. The only problem with throwing flashbangs and stun grenades at your teammates is that there are only 2 of them! Thankfully, there is this awesome perk called “Scavenger” that allows you to replenish all of your ammo and equipment off of dead bodies. Flashbanging and stunning your own teammates often results in your teammate getting killed. See the pattern here? Also, for added effect, flashbang your entire team at the beginning of the game.

Here is the trick: pick a SINGLE teammate. Only one. Follow that guy around and flashbang/stun him over and over again. The point is to provoke him into teamkilling you as many times as possible. If you run out of flashes and stuns, do not be afraid of dying to refresh your precious grenade count.

Choice words:

-Man will you stop whining? There was a guy in front of you.
-It’s not a flashbang, you’re seeing God!

Claymore Confusion:

This is one of the better ways of teamkilling because it is extremely confusing for the person you’re doing it to. I suggest getting Scavenger for this one, because you can refuel your claymores off your victim. The trick is to find an unsuspecting camping teammate, plant a claymore right next to and pointing at them.  Move as far away from them as possible and then shoot the claymore with a silenced gun. The resulting explosion will kill your teammate, and you can act as if nothing even happened, and pretend to be confused yourself.

Also, make sure you kill your teammate’s claymores as often as possible. Loudly announce that you are doing so.

Choice words:
-Man! I’m not even close to you! How could that possibly be my fault?
-ATTENTION SkAtEbOaRdPuNk69, YOUR CLAYMORE IS NOW BEING DESTROYED. YOU ARE NOW VULNERABLE TO ATTACKS FROM THE REAR.

More like "Point towards teammates" amirighthere?

Kill them with Kindness:

This one actually requires that you kill enemy players, but it is by far one of the funniest ways of dispatching a teammate. First, you need to have the “Care Package” killstreak reward activated, and then kill 4 people in a row. Next, find a teammate who is camping outdoors. Throw the signal grenade right where the person is standing (this might take a bit of practice), and then hit them with a stun grenade after about 4-5 seconds to ensure they aren’t going anywhere, even if they notice the signal flare. The care package isn’t guaranteed to land on them, but if they’re prone, it’s much more likely.

I find that you can dissuade their fears by telling them before you throw the signal flare that you’re going to do it. That way, they won’t be concerned when they hear something that sounds like a grenade land near them. I highly reccomend this one, because there is nothing quite like watching a crate land on a teammate. It’s really fantastic.

Choice words:
-Man! What the hell are you thinking? You’re ruining my score dude, get the hell out of the way of my care package drops for fuck’s sakes!

Conclusion:

Well, that’s the article. However, I highly encourage you to try your own teamkilling strategies that are a little more complicated than shooting your teammates in the groin with the sawed-off ranger shotgun. Also, feel free to post any teamkilling strategies that you have found to be most effective at irritating your squad in the comments section below.

Disaster movie tricks theater goers yet again

Yet again, people are lined up around the block to see a film that is 90% computer animation and largely ignoring a far better movie with the same subject matter. 2012 raked in money from people who were just dying to see gigantic fake explosions, cities not-actually-collapsing in on themselves and the acting of John Cusack instead of going to watch ‘The Road’, an adaptation of a book written by the guy who wrote Oscar-winning ‘No Country For Old Men’ and starring Oscar winner Charlise Theron and nominee Viggo Mortenson, which also deals with the end of the world.

“Look, I just wanted to see a movie where things explode and see massive tidal waves obliterate things. I wanted to see a movie where I wouldn’t have to think for like two and a half hours.” Said exasperated account manager Brent Finger, “Jesus, I saw the trailer for The Road and I felt like I wanted to shoot myself it was that bleak. Also, watching John Cusack try to act makes me feel a lot better about myself and what I do.”

Other film goers felt the same way: “I don’t want to watch a movie where the world has already been destroyed and people are struggling to survive. That sounds like filming a movie about a hangover. Everything cool has already happened, and now life sucks. I mean, who would want to go see a movie about a frigging hangover?” Brian Smeltman laughed, “Oh wait…”

2012 was created almost entirely by about 100 men in their late thirties clicking mouses and pressing buttons. Special efects guru Grag Pulk worked on 2012, and was eager to share some of his thoughts about the project.  “Remember that scene where a building is falling down, and then the limo drives through it without crashing? I mean, that sounds dumb and implausable, but when you see it, you’re like ‘WOW! That limo is ACTUALLY driving through a falling building!’ See? Anything is possible with CGI! Dealing with silly things like suspension of disbelief and realism is no longer an issue!”

Link to the original CNN article

Twilight series’ “New Moon” popular with “Old Airheads”

“OMGGGGGG!!1! Edwerd iz 2 hawt 8>D” Francine excitedly texted to one of her best friends. This shouldn’t be a surprise, considering the popularity of the Twilight book and movie series among young girls. What is surprising is that Francine is a 47 year-old woman with no children and a severe drinking problem. She is not alone. Older women from all over the country are falling head over heels for a book and movie series that was written specifically for children, with themes and plot lines designed to allow adults to realize that.

“Vampires and werewolves should be the first clue,” said renowned behaviorologist and author of ‘Peter Pan Syndrome: Grow Up and Behave like Adults’, Craig Stephenson. “And it’s not like we haven’t seen this before. The Harry Potter books are obviously children’s books about witches and magic, yet adults still read them, ingoring the obvious hints like all of the protagonists being kids, and a character named ‘Dumbledore’, who by the way, was killed by Snape in the fourth book. Adults should be reading memoirs and books about politics, or how to fill in their taxes properly. Take my book for instance; that would be a perfect example of a book that an adult should read. There are no absurd storylines or mythical creatures in my book, unless you’re one of those people that thinks that personal responsibility doesn’t exist.”

Despite the criticism from normal people around the world, there are women who defend their choice to read, watch and be fans of the Twilight series, and we caught up with one of these freaks who runs a Twilight blog specifically for more mature women. “The point of these books is to be young at heart! Edward (the effete vampire man-boy) is over century old, so if you average his and Bella’s ages out, it’s like they’re my age anyway. Women, don’t be shy, let your twilight flag fly! Be proud!” Said Jenny, whose full name was withheld upon request.

Link to original CNN article

NASA Finds Water Bong on Dark Side of the Moon

In a stunning development, NASA has discovered a 1960s-era marijuana bong on the far side of the moon. The device was discovered when NASA sent a probe up to the surface of the moon in order to find out whether the moon’s surface contains signifigant amounts of water. They were stunned to see a Grateful Dead-themed marijuana smoking device in one of the moon’s many craters.

“It’s incredible,” Said Anthony Culverson, one of the moon probe technicians, “I knew lots of people were getting high in the 1960s, but I didn’t know they were getting THIS high!” He said before getting an emphatic high five from one of his co-workers. One of the many theories as to how the bong got there is that a moon-bound astronaut took the device with him on the voyage and planted it on the moon during a moonwalk during the 60s and 70s, as a joke. Other theories involve aliens, “karma”, out of body experiences and/or ESP.

“Pink Floyd was trying to tell us something, man.” Deadbeat dad, and Greatful Dead deadhead, Ted “Deadted” Nedved said, “It’s pretty obvious, I mean, it was found on the Dark Side of the Moon? The name of one of their albums? They smoked grass man, and if you believe in transubstantiation like I do, anything is possible.”

Link to original CNN article

Sarah Palin continues to whack at Republican pinata

To the absolute disgust and horror of the Republican party, Sarah Palin has decided to take another swing at the giant candy-filled Republican pinata. “Good lord this woman is like some monkey, some sort of deranged screecher monkey riding on the back of the GOP.” Said Shannon Blakely, a Republican party strategist. “Hey Sarah, thanks for helping us in New York.” She said of Palin’s decision to back a more conservative candidate for congress in New York, which wound up costing the Republicans the election. “Independents want absolutely nothing to do with her. I feel like getting a broom and chasing her out of here like some sort of bat. Get out! Please, leave us alone Sarah!” Shannon screamed while gripping her hair in frustration.

“Oh no!” Said Democrat strategist Brad Stephanopolis in thinly veiled mock fear, “Please Sarah, don’t run for the 2012 elections! We are very frightened of you! Your combination of good looks and political acumen are too much to overcome!” He continued as he clenched his fists and shook as if to appear scared. Brad Stephanopolis’ reaction is a common one among Democrats: hopeful that she will run in the 2012 presidential elections, but worried that she might figure out that they are all secretly hoping for it. At this point, it is unknown whether Sarah Palin will be running in the 2012 primaries, though signs point towards a Republican nominee bid. Never has a candidate inspired so much fury and confusion from their own party, nor as much “fingers-crossed” optimism from their opponents as Sarah Palin.  One of the biggest questions on the matter is whether Americans vote for name value alone.

“Americans tend not to elect celebrities,” said David Frum, a former GW Bush speechwriter, “Schwarzenegger is the exception, and okay, maybe Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura. Ronald Regan, sure, fine, but that’s it! They’re the only celebrities that Americans will elect. AND AL FRANKEN. Okay? Fine. Al Franken too. But that’s it. Fuck you.”

Link to original CNN article

Chili Peppers inspire mediocre children

Well known middle-of-the-road pop-funk, adult contemporary band the Red Hot Chili Peppers have recently created a school for children who want to make safe, mediocre music. The Silverlake Conservatory of Music is headed by legendary bass-soloist “Flea”, who is known for slapping his bass guitar with one hand while holding the strings of his bass against the frets of his bass guitar in a method of bass playing called “slapping” or “ruining a song”. Flea harkened back to his days of higher learning, “In high school and after high school, I was heading for disaster. I was on drugs; I was robbing people’s houses; I was wild on the street.” He said.

Experts are torn on whether the students will be taught how to play music that borrows heavily from other, cooler music, or if they will be taught how to write and play the same song and then live on that one song for their whole life. “There are various ways that children can emulate the RHCP” Said an unnamed source within the music industry, “I mean, what better way to teach high school poetry than by going through the Chili Peppers discography? I mean, other than that early phase with that gibberish rapping, there’s a lot of stuff that young children will be able to relate to with their simple minds and lack of experience with the world.”

Children have reacted in much the same way as audiences have over the past two decades when faced with the Chili Peppers’ music. “My mom recently played me some Red Hot Chili Peppers around the house. I liked some of it, but some of it I didn’t like so much.” Said precocious young truth-teller Leo Dacter, who may or may not be suspended for telling it how it is.

Link to Original CNN Article

The 2009-2010 NBA Season in Review

Hello readers, I’m from the future, and I have some urgent information about how your favourite teams are going to perform this year. I know that most of you are begging to learn more about the Grizzlies, the Knicks, the Warriors, the Clippers, the Bucks, and the Grizzlies, and are genuinely concerned that they might not be able to make the playoffs. WELL, TAKE HEED FAIR IDIOTS! GAZE UPON THE STARK PROGNOSTICATIONS I HAVE PROVIDED AND DESPAIR! Your favourite teams are going to SUCK and nobody will feel pity on you. They will be smashed like a child’s macrame project at the hands of Brock Lesnar.

New York Knicks

The Knicks, for the second straight season, attempted to put Mike D’Antoni’s Seven Seconds or Less (SSoL) offense, and Do Not Attempt to Contest Shots (DNACS) defense into practice. D’Antoni favourite Al Harrington is a firm believer in the philosophy; “I’ve never played a lick of defense my whole career, and you don’t have to tell me to shoot a heavily contested three early in the shot clock, I just do that regardless.” Harrington said enthusiastically, “SSoL is such a great idea, because it reduces the amount of time you have to wait before you get to shoot another three.” Mike D’Antoni was also impressed with Wilson Chandler, remarking that it was like having two Al Harringtons on the court at the same time, though he also added that Chandler needed to lessen his defensive commitment and leak out more on the break. D’Antoni’s sour demeanor and constant complaining to the refs struck a chord with the people of New York. “Watching Mike on the sidelines reminded me of when I ordered a mochaccino from Starbucks yesterday, and they forgot to froth my cream. Cranky screaming, a face like he just took a dump in his pants, wild emotional hand gestures? It’s like the guy’s stealing my routine!” A local New York woman sneered. “He’s still a fucking idiot.” She added.

Golden State Warriors

Golden State succeeded at beating their own record of playing the most minutes in one season with a lineup that doesn’t make any sense. Anthony Morrow had a recurring nightmare where he was playing center and point guard at the same time, and as a result spent an inordinate amount of time pinching himself when he was on the court. Don Nelson changed the team’s mascot to a pink elephant, and spent half of every game demanding that it return his collection of stretched out turtlenecks. Stephen Jackson finally got his wish and was traded, but was shocked to find out that he had been traded to the Albuquerue Thunderbirds for James Wright, Antoine Agudio and an autographed Yuta Tabuse jersey. Jackson reacted by driving his Cadillac Escalade into a Target, strangling a hooker, and kicking a dog in the face. His former teammates were impressed at his level of restraint. Halfway through the season, it was discovered that Stephen Curry is actually 14, and thus was unable to continue playing power forward for the Warriors.

LA Clippers

In a strange turn of events, the LA Clippers’ team bus drove into wormhole that transported them into a dimension where they did not suck at basketball. Baron Davis saw a strange version of himself that was able to shoot the three point shot at over a 35% clip. Parallel-universe Ricky Davis completed a legitimate triple double, and Regular Ricky Davis found out that in this other dimension, he was actually credited for his triple double attempt against the Jazz all those years ago. “Finally”, he whispered to himself as his eyes welled up. Bizarro Mike Dunleavy was wearing an excellent suit, had a full head of hair and drew up a play out of a time out that worked perfectly. Real Dunleavy did not notice at all, as he was haggling with a food vendor because chocolate Ho-Hos cost 50 cents more in this dimension. The Clippers were inspired by their alter-egos and boarded the Clipper bus back to reality. Blake Griffin and Eric Gordon were immediately crushed by a falling piano upon disembarking the vehicle.

Milwaukee Bucks

Milwaukee Bucks General Manager John Hammond completed his vision for the Bucks by trading Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut for a 1973 beige VW Van with its doors rusted shut. NBA fans and other onlookers were confused and bewildered as to whether that was actually possible, but as Larry Coon would point out, a strange and often overlooked CBA rule allows players to be traded for inanimate objects, after Donald Sterling controversially traded Tom Chambers for a shoe in 1983. Hammond justified the trade by saying “Beige VW Van is going to add a whole new dynamic to this team. I’ve personally contacted Beige VW Van’s agent, and he assures me that Beige VW Van’s engine is in perfect working order, and that the tires are all-season.” Michael Redd and Andrew Bogut are currently doing backbreaking manual labour for a man named Craig in Iowa.

Memphis Grizzlies

Things started out poorly for the Memphis Grizzlies, and after Allen Iverson re-entered the lineup from injury, things immediately went from bad, to possibly the worst situation of all time. A new term was coined for an unbelievably catastrophic disaster, after a roadside cleanup crew called a 72-car pile-up a “a real Memphis Grizzly of a situation”. Zach Randolph and Rudy Gay combined for an NBA record 40 three point shots in one game, and made 4 of them. Asked to comment, Zach Randolph instead lamented that his coach did not allow him to shoot three point shots at his own basket. “It’s so open!” He remarked. Memphis becomes the first team to ever require that both of its stadium’s rims be replaced halfway through the season due to unrelenting low percentage chucking. “I’ve never seen anything like it before.” Said a local scientist Steve Butt. “The physical property of a basketball should not be able to inflict this sort of damage on steel. It’s as if someone were throwing masonry at it.” Continued Butt before rolling up his driver’s side window and doing a sweet-ass burnout. At one point during the season, Hasheem Thabeet accidentally missed the team bus to Minnesota because he was playing Wii sports. Nobody on the Grizzlies noticed until halfway through the second quarter when Allen Iverson asked where “the gigantic dark dude who brings me my water” went.

Glenn and Al — Bark twice for liberty

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